Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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