Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
