I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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