you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
