at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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