so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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