Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
