Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
