So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
