Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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