Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
