its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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