So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
