I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
