seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just found puke in my bra..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
