Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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