You can't motorboat a personality
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
