Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
