I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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