wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
