do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
