This is not my ceiling
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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