3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize