Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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