When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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