It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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