Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
