I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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