If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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