true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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