wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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