Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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