dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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