saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
