Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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