my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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