Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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