from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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