She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
