My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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