There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He passed out mid-signature
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
