I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
