I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
