i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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