listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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