So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
