WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
