do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I queefed so loud it echoed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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