I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
