I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
did i just pee glitter
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
