My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
