Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
