there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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