EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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